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The CheckerBoard

The place for inside information on the Tennessee Vols

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Record: 6475 (12/7/2012)


Head and Heart Discuss Our Signing Class, etc.

  • Heart: I’m bummed as all gitout. Our signing class sucks. Sucks! SUCKS!!!

    Head: Well, it was about what any realistic, intelligent person expected, under the circumstances.

    Heart: Waddaya mean? We didn’t get Bell. For the umpteenth straight year, we didn’t get a difference-maker at RB. We didn’t get a single 5 star and only four 4-stars.

    Head: We’re ranked in the top 25. That’s better than it could have been.

    Heart: Who cares? We’re 11th out of 14 SEC teams. Nothing else matters but how we relate in conference. Bama had five 5’s and twelve 4’s.

    Head: But once we tried to back the Brinks truck Clay Travis rented up to the Grudens’ Douglas Lake cabin, and he said, “Tennessee always will be a special place to Cindy and I, but blah, blah, blah,” you had to know this recruiting class wouldn’t be much to speak of, at least on the front end, and most likely, we’d have to get a good 2014 class in and season ‘em for a year before we can be good. In other words, when they’re sophomores in 2015 may be our first chance to be good again, if Butch’s hire turns out like we hope.

    Heart: No splash hire; no splash in recruiting, right?

    Head: No. No demi-god rock star like Gruden, and no one could turn a thirty-something ranked class worse than Vandy’s at the time into a top 10 class, including Butch, especially when he only had about 30 recruiting days in which to do it.

    Heart: But even your rational approach has us with little to no chance at Atlanta, let alone an SEC championship, until 2015 at the earliest. Even if you’re right, how can you not think about slitting your wrists with that long a wait? We’ve stunk it up since the 2008 season. By 2015, we’ll have gone seven full seasons of suck.

    Head: How can you not be rational about this?

    Heart: Perhaps you’d like a lesson from Noah Webster, who says “fan” comes from “fanatic,” which carries with it more than a modicum of irrationality?

    Head: You have that covered, in spades. You can’t expect a new coach to win big until year three, unless he inherited a full cupboard and a winning program, especially in the toughest conference in the country. And in case you’ve forgotten, we’ve been through 4 coaches since 2008. Really, how could you have expected anything different, and not been prepared for it?

    Heart: Hmm, the doctor told me my Momma was gonna die long before it happened, but I still cried when it happened.

    Head: You can’t blame Butch.

    Heart: Who the flip CAN I blame? I feel much better when I can work up a nice, healthy hate for the evil bastiges who ruined our program.

    Head: You feel better? Hate is unhealthy. Studies have proven it. You’re only hurting yourself. Haven’t you read Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlett Letter”?

    Heart: I’d like to book you, Hester Prynne, the Rev. Dimmesdale, and the horses you all rode in on for unlawful carnal knowledge.

    Head: Well, even the Good Book says that hating a man is the same as killing him in your heart.

    Heart: Oh, no, I’d like to kill the sons of female dogs responsible for this debacle in real life, but only after they were tortured. I wouldn’t want to kill them quickly or painlessly. Lethal injection is far too kind.

    Head: You actually have a “kill list”? You’re kidding, right?

    Heart: Of course I am. My list is just, ahem, a “hypothetical” one.

    Head: Football is just a game.

    Heart: Right. Like Jesus was just a Galilean furniture builder.

    Head: You didn’t just make a LITERAL comparison of football to religion, did you?

    Heart: Well, prayer may be the only thing to keep a bunch of us from suicide, if we continue looking that bad on the field.

    Head: You don’t really think God cares about who wins a football game, do you?

    Heart: He loves all His children, and this child of God dies a little inside every single time I see us get whipped by Bama, UF, USCe, and UGA.

    Head: Speaking of children, surely you can’t approve of low class fans being mean to Vonn Bell? He’s just a kid.

    Heart: He is dead to me. And a traitor to the Great and Sovereign State of Tennessee. He pledged to fight with THE university of a state which fought with the Yankees in The War of Northern Aggression. That, and it’s cold up there. And their buckeye leaf helmet stickers look like cannabis. And Brutus Buckeye looks stupid. Stupid and gay—not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Head: Perhaps he doesn’t think of this as an actual war, where real people are killed in real life?

    Heart: Lee surrendered; I didn’t. But nuthin’ dyin’ here except all my hopes and dreams. Crushed like a cigarette butt under the cartoonishly large tire of an Alabama redneck’s monster pickup truck.

    Head: Are you really that big a wuss? Would you really let a team’s won-loss record determine whether or not you live a happy life? Does your happiness depend on the vagaries of the decisions of immature, 17 and 18 year old children, many of whom have a God complex due to having been worshipped in HS?

    Heart: Well, now that you put it that way—yes. Yes. I am that big a wuss. But it’s MANLY wussiness. And I say that LOUDLY, and in the most burly fashion.

    Head: Thought so. Just checking. Anyway, Butch will get it turned around. Win, and the recruits will come.

    Heart: The recruits will only come if we win, and we can’t win.

    Head: Stay positive, Heart.

    Heart: Bite me, sunshine pumper.

    "Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat." Sir Robin's Minstrels.

  • This is GREAT!! Maybe email this to Bell..... But I'm sure this is how we all feel....

    Heart: I want to censoreding win!!!

    Head: It's going to be a while... In bUTch we trust!